Lead with Expectations, not Ultimatums
Set the direction, but don’t try to control.
As a manager, you need to set expectations for employees and communicate them clearly, along with consequences if expectations are not met. That’s at the root of getting things done and making employees feel directed, valued and rewarded when things go right, and mentored, managed and coached when they’re not.
What’s the difference between being a manager who sets expectations, and one who tries to control employees’ behavior? Why does the difference matter?
In personal relationships, Brooke Castillo, Founder of the Life Coach School, talks about the concept of manuals. “A manual,” Brooke says, “is an instruction guide we have for someone in our lives about how we would like them to behave so we can feel good and be happy.”
A manual is an instruction guide we have for someone else.
When we use a manager-manual, we are trying to control others’ behavior. We believe that control will make us feel validated, competent and secure in our authority and ability.
My manager-manual might say that if you always agree with me, you respect me and my opinion. It may say that if you’re always respectful – however I decide to define it – then I know you support me as CEO.
As CEO, of course you should be setting expectations. But when expectations morph into creating a manual, you may be trying to control others’ behavior — something that is impossible to do. How do you know when you are using a manual? When your staff disagrees, do you feel angry? Do you get upset or humiliated? If you’re letting your employee’s behavior determine how you feel, this might be a sign that you have a manual.
Instead, if your reaction is grounded in expectations, when those expectations are not met, you take the next steps dispassionately based on clear criteria vs. your emotional response. Then you’re truly in the driver’s seat: you can coach your employee, you can decide to let her go, or you can do nothing.
Why is it important to make this distinction? Manuals don’t work. We can’t make anyone behave the way we want them to. Next, when we allow others’ behavior to make us feel good or bad, we’re giving away our power over our own emotions.
One of my clients was struggling with an employee’s behavior. She thought it was rude, and that led her to feel frustrated and confused. She wasn’t sure how to respond in the moment, then after the fact, blamed herself for not clamping down right away. That spawned a cycle of increased confusion and doubt in her ability to lead the company. She lost sleep, and came up with plans to document the company culture so there would be no misunderstanding of what kind of behavior was expected: Polite behavior.
There is nothing wrong with articulating a company vision, and nothing wrong with talking about collaboration and respect. But there are a couple of challenges with this client’s plan.
First, we can’t control what others do. There’s also no universal yardstick for appropriate or inappropriate behavior. Everyone gets to decide that on their own. One person’s rude might be another’s idea of engaged, healthy debate. By trying to draw a line in advance, my client was applying a manual as opposed to expectations, which would have come from a focus on outcomes vs. how my client felt.
Second, my client’s confusion is a red flag that she was allowing her emotions to drive in response to the employee’s behavior. That confusion was painful to her. It sent her into a cycle of frantic activity, and kept her from being able to formulate what she needed the employee to deliver.
How can you tell if you have a manual, and what should you do?
1. Observe
Do you get offended by employees’ behavior? What triggers it?
If you respond emotionally – if you’re hurt, or if you feel as though you need to establish ironclad rules for how people behave, ask yourself: Do I have a manual for my employees’ behavior?
2. Explore your feelings
When strong feelings come up, pay attention to what they’re telling you. Are you worried your authority will be undermined? Do you doubt yourself as a manager?
For my client, confusion was masking fear that she was not an effective leader. Once we figured that out, we could address it. As a first-time founder she did in fact fear she would not be respected by her more experienced employees. But by letting employees’ behavior take over her thoughts and feelings, far from asserting her authority, paradoxically, she was giving that authority over to others. When she recognized that, she could claim her path to becoming a confident leader.
3. Set expectations for your employees, but throw out your manual
Articulate clear, consistent expectations for your employees based on what you need them to deliver.
If they are not delivering results, then you can decide what to do. But you’ll be acting based on the facts of the situation, and not how you are allowing an employee to make you feel.
Going back to my client, she berated herself for not responding the first time she saw what she defined as impolite behavior. That put her into a cycle of regret and further doubt, ruminating over her interactions with the employee, second-guessing what she had said. The rumination was taking over her attention, diverting her from what was best for her business.
She became more and more determined to draw a line for this employee and for all employees on what was / was not acceptable.
It’s really important not to be hard on yourself if you don’t respond the first time someone’s behavior takes you by surprise or triggers an emotional response. That’s okay. It’s never too late to take action. Allowing yourself the time to observe and understand the underlying emotions, instead of coming up with an ultimatum, is part of the process of becoming an effective leader.
Many of us have manuals for workplace behavior. But it’s the very place to let go of them.
Behavior is subjective. In the workplace, unlike in our personal spheres, we are even more likely to interact with people who have different behavioral norms. One person’s healthy debate is another’s bullying. So-called ‘normal’ respect can be read as excessive diffidence.
A work environment is one where it can be easier to set expectations because outcomes are often measurable. The behaviors we want to encourage are the ones that produce results; the results we want to see are the ones that further the goals of the business. A manual cannot create that cause and effect.
Finally, to grow as leaders, we need to learn to master our own minds. What better place to do that than in the professional sphere where we can choose how to challenge ourselves and our employees every day. Freed of emotional drama, go out and have fun setting the vision. Decide what you want to create and the difference you want to make in the world. Then steer yourself and your organization towards achieving it.